Okay, okay, maybe “antidote” is too strong a word, but every Yang needs its Yin

Main character syndrome (MCS) isn’t really a syndrome. It was the perfect balm for a cultural zeitgeist that for the longest time encouraged self-effacement for the welfare of others at the cost of one’s personal well-being.fc188

“Pouring from an empty cup,” “setting boundaries,” “learning to say no,” became the Words of 2024 as many people, especially those hailing from traditionally marginalized groups, reclaimed the right to take up space in the world just as they are, without compromising on their identity.

It wasn’t just a trend, rooted in passing fashions, but a cultural moment, a shift in mindset. Like every movement, however, some elements get unchecked and become downright harmful, leading some to demonize main character syndrome, turning it into a term with mixed connotations.

Main character syndrome isn’t really a syndrome. It was the perfect balm for a cultural zeitgeist that for the longest time encouraged self-effacement for the welfare of others at the cost of one’s personal well-being

How then can one be empowered without being entitled, paano tumindig nang hindi umaapak kahit kanino man?

We had to tackle these questions, especially in events like when a misgendered writer told off a waiter, in ways that unleashed latent bigotry—no longer focusing on the issue at hand—from a general public afraid of being “canceled” but itching to express their more childish (contrast this to childlike) attitudes.

Now, I’m not putting the blame on the marginalized for times when the general public gives in to their baser impulses to punch down, but the sad reality is that the onus to be “the bigger person” largely rests on us when we have limited opportunities to resist bigotry, when the institutions supposedly built to protect democracy protect the status quo (and this often includes our marginalization).

Main character mythos The danger in main character syndrome lies when our sense of interdependence gets overshadowed by our sense of individuality and separation | Illustration by Tri Wiranto/Unsplash+

The tendency to romanticize our lives is not new, as Brooklyn College of New York philosopher and professor Anna Gotlib points out in an essay aptly titled “Main Character Syndrome: Why romanticising your own life is philosophically dubious, setting up toxic narratives and an inability to truly love.”

Here, she traces how MCS was actually around for decades, preceding social media through photo albums and diaries. This “demanding an audience” also operates in an individualistic society where popular media reflects—and reinforces—self-centered attitudes.

The danger in main character syndrome lies when our sense of interdependence gets overshadowed by our sense of individuality and separation

Gotlib also notes how morality is something that always exists between people, and that a culture of hyperindividualism has dire implications not just in interpersonal relations but for bigger society, too, especially when historical and institutional injustices are factored in.

The regulator said Woolworths and Coles – which together hold about 65 percent market share – had deliberately jacked up prices for toothpaste, yogurt, butter, instant coffee, tampons, and more.

Santiago gave this assurance Monday, following reports that 888 container vans of rice were discovered sitting in Manila ports for months.

She writes: “The kind of main-character storytelling that is presently ascendant does very little to form mutually constructed identities and, instead, reduces the complexity of human relationships to simplistic binaries of ‘me’ and ‘not me’, ‘them’ and ‘us’, ‘hero’ and ‘villain’.”

a culture of hyperindividualism has dire implications | Illustration by Tri Wiranto/Unsplash+

The danger in main character syndrome lies when our sense of interdependence gets overshadowed by our sense of individuality and separation. One sense is neither more important than the other, but a holistic approach to life—or having, no, making yourself a good day, for that matter—relies on balancing both individualism and empathy.

Pass the mic

Enter sonder, a “new word,” that’s been popping in my (and probably your) timeline since around 2022. I’ve seen friends share posts about it, I’ve saved said posts in my “for bad days” folder, and maybe you know someone who had “sonder” tattooed on them (in cursive font no less) during their last Elyu trip.

With sonder, everyone is a main character in their story and conversely, you’re a supporting character or even incidental presence in their story | Illustration by Rizal Ramadhany/Unsplash+

It all started in 2009 when multiplatform creative John Koenig created The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows, a blog (now with a YouTube channel and book) acting as “a compendium of new words for emotions,” acknowledging the English language’s limited vocabulary in capturing a wider range of human experience.

“Sonder” is one such word in The Dictionary, borrowed from French, which describes the realization that everyone around, especially in a public space, is living a life just as complex as your own. Everyone is on a hero’s journey. Everyone is a main character in their story and conversely, you’re a supporting character or even incidental presence in their story.

You’ve probably had such moments, perhaps amid a pause in conversation in a cafe with two close friends, realizing quietly but gratefully that you’ve all been sharing the spotlight equally, or after putting your phone down and looking around you in a crowded train, resting your eyes, your stop still three stations away. You might have gotten goosebumps.

Brb, rewiring Main character syndrome, when taken to the extreme, is a form of “dopamine hijacking” | Illustration by Ian Mikraz/Unsplash+

A parallel discussion in psychology and self-improvement has been about the interplay between the brain chemicals dopamine and oxytocin.

Many activities, from scrolling to bingeing on sweets, that provide instant gratification use dopamine, and this has been hijacked by the so-called “attention economy” consisting mainly of free-to-use social media and the advertisers that mine our personal data.

It seems that main character syndrome, taken to the extreme, is a form of “dopamine hijacking” while sonder is one tool towards the active cultivation of oxytocin

Meanwhile, activities that take more effort and sometimes don’t always promise a return, such as investing in a relationship (see also: being open to the possibility of rejection) or helping a stranger in need, do provide more lasting returns, and not just for the individual carrying them but also to the people involved. That’s largely facilitated by oxytocin. It seems humans are wired to connect with others.

rgo303 slot

What’s great too is that spend enough cultivating oxytocin, and your reflexes adapt too. Curiosity, openness, and empathy replace judgement, defensives, and aggression as our default mode when encountering unexpected situations. Western science once again catches up with yoga.

Cheers to neuroplasticity! We’re not so much prisoners of fate as we are shapers of destiny. It seems that main character syndrome, taken to the extreme, is a form of “dopamine hijacking” while sonder is one tool towards the active cultivation of oxytocin.

Ponder, wonder, in order to sonder Can you imagine a world where sharing the stage becomes the norm? Where sonder becomes one of the dominant frames of mind? | Illustration by Ian Mikraz/Unsplash+

When I was a younger musician playing in a band, I wanted my part to take the most minutes, to take center stage, to get the loudest volume in the final mix. I would be so annoyed when that didn’t happen, and harbor a hidden resentment at my bandmates, which would bleed into our friendships offstage.

But as we played more and more (thank you guys for forgiving me each time), I discovered a subtler, if more enduring joy—realizing that the bassline, riff, or lead I played, while “repetitive” or “low-key” actually contributed to the song’s overall impact on the audience when played live. It was no longer about who had more stage time, but how all of us on-and-off stage experienced the music.

Can you imagine a world where sharing the stage becomes the norm?

Can you imagine a world where sharing the stage becomes the norm? Where sonder becomes one of the dominant frames of mind? What kind of institutions, business practices, social norms, and expectations would we have? Maybe such a world is already here, maybe we don’t have to look too far.

Who was the last person who truly listened to you without imposing themselves? Maybe it’s time to text them for another IRL catch-up, but this time, with them as the main character.

Editor’s note: The author also volunteers to help at free meditation classes in Sankalpa Yoga Studiofc188

• The
• Is
• sonder
• antidote
• fc188